All Marriages Need A Spark

Dear Pastors

All Marriages Need A Spark

Every year around September and October I write a blog or two about the Pastors Marriage. So here we go…….let’s talk about ‘keeping the spark alive’ or ‘cultivating the affection’ or ‘reigniting the passion’.

In more recent times the word ‘passion’ is used in a variety of contexts in everyday language. When I say I feel passionate about this or that…….I mean a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement either for something or about doing something. Passions are often something you would love to do constantly. Traveling is a good example of a passion. It could also include a cause you feel very strongly about as in, “I feel passionate about eradicating child poverty” for example.

In former days, however, the word passion was used almost exclusively in relation to romantic love. It referred to the experience of strong love, extravagant fondness and sexual desire.

It is this ‘particular’ meaning of the word that I want to make a few comments about today.

Look at any study on the causes of divorce and there are two reasons that most always surface towards the top.

1. We have drifted apart
2. A lack of love and affection

It’s worth noting that though infidelity, incompatibility and poor communication are sadly also common reasons for divorce, these reasons are not as common as you may think.

A few weeks ago Jeanette and I celebrated 44 years of marriage. Consistent with a commitment we made many years ago we most always go for a holiday around our anniversary date. If a holiday isn’t possible then certainly a short get-away. In many ways, to be honest, we see it as our honeymoon revisited. We do this because we too are at risk of drifting apart and not expressing much or enough affection. Like you, we lead pretty full lives. Up to more recently we were going full steam ahead in ministry and business. Add in family commitments, grandchildren and the ‘stuff of life’ and you have a perfect recipe for drifting and simply not having enough quality time together.

Jeanette and I have talked about this often. We have talked about overcoming boredom in our relationship and how best to keep the spark alive. We are both committed to minimise this risk of ‘drifting’ even after 44 years of marriage. Could romantic passion be an antidote to a marriage no matter how long you have been married or how old you are.

Marital passion ignites feelings in us that by definition are strong and intense and in so doing connect a couple emotionally and physically that little else can. It involves the anticipation of spending time together and engaging in activities that enhance the romantic connection. Normally, it has both an emotional and a physical dimension to it.

1. Emotional Intimacy: Marital passion often involves a deep emotional connection between partners. This includes feelings of love, affection, trust, and emotional support.
2. Physical Intimacy: Physical intimacy is a significant component of marital passion. It includes sexual attraction, desire, and a satisfying sexual relationship between spouses.

Marital passion can and will vary from one couple to another and will change over time as the relationship evolves and as we get older. But one thing for sure it needs intentionality and commitment as Jeanette and I have discovered. It certainly needs mutual understanding to sustain and enhance over the course of a marriage. We have concluded that the longer you are married the more intentionality it needs.

So pastor, how is the spark doing in your marriage? Do you need to give some attention to this very important dimension of your life? Please remember that your marriage is not only a sermon that your congregation sees week in and week out (without you saying a word) but a strong loving marriage is also the best gift you can give your kids (and yes your grandchildren also).

Next week I want to share how I have minimised sexual temptation and what a Proverbs 5 husband looks like but between now and then………go ahead and ‘light a match’.

Blessings
Alan