Loss and Grief

Dear Pastors

Two weeks ago I was at a dinner function and had a brief chat to a lady (well into her 70’s now) who was attending Hamilton Central Baptist Church when I was Pastor there. Jeanette and I had journeyed with her through a very sad and difficult divorce when she was in her mid-years and then not long after a cancer diagnosis that was pretty grim. She shared with me that when she moved down country to be nearer her daughter and family (quite a few years later) that she joined a church, got to know the pastor and was able to process years and years of sorrow and grief with him. She told me it wasn’t easy but she feels so FREE now. Actually, I could tell by her demeanour and huge smile. Wonderful!

It reminded me once again of the importance of our work and privilege we have to walk with people ‘through the valley of the shadow of darkness, despair and at times even death’.

So this week I have asked my wife Jeanette to be my guest writer on this subject of loss and grief. In short Jeanette was widowed at age 26 and her nursing experience over the years has included hospice nursing. She has studied this subject at length. She writes:-

I am no expert on this subject but like most of you I have experienced grief and loss and even as I write my younger brother is facing a terminal illness. So I’m back there again doing the work of grief and its hard and painful and some days I feel quite overwhelmed and very sad but I am determined to do the work and be changed by God in the process however that may look.

In order to grieve well I must take time to reflect and process all the questions and feelings that arise. I know that all of life is filled with loss and of having to let go yet so many of us never go there. Most people don’t deal with loss well , it’s too painful, and we are too busy to do our own soul work or perhaps worse still we believe ‘time will heal’.

Joyce Rupp in her excellent Book entitled ‘Praying our Goodbyes’ says this:- “In many ways our Western world says use all the time you have to keep busy, be successful and make money ,do as much as you can as fast as you can. Ignore the simple beauties in life and grab onto complexity. Live for yourself and by all means do everything you can to run away from and avoid hurt of any kind. If you have to grieve, do it in a hurry and then get on with life.”

Pastors are you modelling healthy grieving in your own life? We influence others by our presence and our behaviour so we need to ensure we have worked through or are working through our own grief in order to be able to help others. Can I recommend regular retreat days built into your calendar for reflection, prayer, silence and solitude. What suffers in all of our lives is exactly what Rupp is talking about. We have so little time for reflection or soul space as I like to call it, that we often leave our own baggage alone and unattended to and we get so good at covering up or coasting along in helping others while we ourselves are in pain Pastors are you teaching your people how to grieve well or does this topic rarely come up? Scripture has some amazing truths that talk about grief and loss.

The very nature of grief is it will lie and wait hidden if it is not attended to but buried somewhere down the track of life it will be retriggered. Perhaps a minor loss will occur and the grief we feel is immense and we wonder why that is. Often there has been a pile on of several griefs that we have not processed or worked through and now we feel devastated. I have observed this in many people and then it’s such a long and hard journey to become healthy again and sadly some even give up trying. That’s why I want to encourage you to attend to loss as it happens. It’s important to acknowledge how we are feeling and for some of us this is difficult but being honest is paramount to our processing. Its ok to feel angry, sad and disappointed in the grief journey and in a sense we all have to do our own work alone but we can lean into trusted friends, counsellors, spiritual directors for help along the way.

So in summary do the work of grief well, take time to reflect and process your losses and be honest in where you are on your journey. Share with others out of the depth of who you are and the pain you have been healed from in your own grieving.

Blessings

Alan and Jeanette

Alan Vink is currently the Executive Director for LeadershipWorx. Prior to this role he has been the Executive Director of Willow Creek Association NZ (WillowNZ), a Baptist pastor (23 years), Bible College teacher, and church consultant.