When Narcissism Comes To Church

Dear Pastors

When Narcissism Comes To Church

If you are leading a Great Commission Church then it is highly likely you will have quite a mix of people attending your church. There will be Christians and non-Christians. There will be people sitting in the pews that are struggling with personal issues. Gambling, pornography, anger, infidelity, smoking, alcohol/drug dependency and all sorts of deviant sexuality problems. Guaranteed. Last Sunday at my son’s church was a very recent ex-gang member attending for the first time who confessed to me that he has done some pretty horrible things but wants to get his life back on track. (I told him he was in the best place possible on planet earth for that to happen).

And then narcissism will be in attendance…….also guaranteed. It may even be inside of you pastor. It certainly sneaks up on me from time to time. Let’s take a quick look.
A working definition for narcissism is:- Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Having a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration. Mayo Clinic

Narcissistic personality disorder - Symptoms and causes
Overview. Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.
www.mayoclinic.org

Let’s be honest. We are all susceptible to this. Our ego’s can be very challenging to subdue. 1 John 2:15-17 reminds us of this:-

“Don’t love the world’s ways. Don’t love the world’s goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—(otherwise known as the pride of life) has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity”. (MSG)

So all of us may lapse on occasion into self-centredness and ‘poor is me’ mentality. In that regard we may have displayed some narcissistic behaviour. But that is miles short of having a disorder…….to be precise Narcissistic Personality Disorder(NPD).

NPD is a thing and it’s a problem…..a big problem especially when Christian Leaders have it.

Here are the common traits¹.

Narcissistic personality disorder is diagnosed using The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) criteria. A person must meet five of nine of the following traits for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

1. A grandiose sense of self-importance
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Belief that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with, other
   special or high-status people or institutions
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement
6. Is interpersonally exploitative – takes advantage of others
7. Lacks empathy
8. Envies others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours and attitudes

But here is perhaps the biggest challenge. It can be hard to spot. The outer persona of the NPD individual is generally one of confidence and control, alongside a smooth or charming demeanour.

Let’s be clear. NPD is a disorder. Meaning it is an ailment, a condition perhaps even an illness. It’s much more than a lapse or a slip into self-centred and egotistical behaviour.

These days we see the evidence of this condition in almost every sphere of human endeavour. Sadly, we also see it in pastors and Christian leaders as well. I’ve bumped into it a few times in my work and I am telling you it is not pretty. A pastor with NPD ends up hurting a lot of people and most tragic of all it is always the other persons fault…….always. It seems to me that a leader with NPD is incapable of admitting they were wrong. Always defensive, always smoozing the truth.

So having done a very brief overview² what can we do about it? Here are a few of my thoughts.

1. Test for NPD at the gate. In other words require all new recruits for Christian Ministry undergo a battery of psychological tests that will ‘investigate’ this issue amongst other personality and temperament traits. This is especially important for those entering a training and education programme.
2. Supervision and/or mentoring. I am a very strong advocate for this. If this relationship is working like it should then a leader with NPD tendencies can be lovingly confronted with the truth of the matter.
3. Performance Appraisals. Again I am a believer. This is a fabulous tool to help pastors, managers, CEO’s etc to have the mirror put in front of them at once every year. I need that, you need that. A performance appraisal when executed along ‘best practise’ guidelines is a God send. It is an opportunity for those who are close to and respect you to say ‘the good, the bad, and the ugly’ with no risk of recrimination. Honestly, if I could wave a magic wand this morning I would wave it across every local church, every denomination, every Christian ministry and mandate this as a requirement.

And finally I want to say this. Listen pastor……please listen. Listen to that still small voice of the Spirit that is trying to say something to you about your personality and then also listen to your spouse……..yes your spouse and particularly men please listen to your wives. As you well know, God often uses your wife to speak to you words that no-one else is willing to say and guess what she gets away with.

Blessings
Alan

¹ This comes from a 28 page article I have as a pdf. It is titled, Narcissism in the Pulpit - Originally Published by Power2Serve Resources, Lumsden, SK, Canada. It has also appeared, in part or in full, on other various online, electronic resources including “The Church Law Campaign.” If you would like a copy please drop me or Liz a note.

² I am ever so grateful for three friends (a counsellor, a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist) to help me better understand NPD.