45 Years Married
Thursday, September 19, 2024
Dear Pastors
45 Years Married
Earlier this week Jeanette and I celebrated 45 years of marriage. I said to Jeanette a few days before, would you be happy to write a piece on our marriage? I said you are free to “write what ever you want, I won’t edit…..promise”. She agreed and here it is. The second in my Marriage and Family short series of blogs.
When Alan asked me to marry him more than 45 years ago love was in the air. He presented me with a beautiful sapphire engagement ring symbolising wisdom, faithfulness and sincerity. I guess for me I never thought about growing old with my husband……. in those days, we were too star struck!
Wisdom, faithfulness and sincerity are some of the virtues we have sought to live over the last 45 years, along with a deep desire to love and serve God in our marriage.
Love is still in the air but now it’s a mature love, thank goodness for that! Now and again I still get flowers!
At times in our marriage we have had to pause and stop and reflect and change tact as we could have so easily drifted apart due to the very busy child rearing years and pastoral ministry. We have had to evaluate and say some hard truths to each other and then be willing to work at our relationship. Regular getaways, honest conversations and a deep respect for each other has been crucial.
Although we are quite different we have a companionship, intimacy and security and most of all a deep commitment to keep working and growing in our relationship with each other and that for us is a key. Our own individual commitment to the Lord helps us to keep our focus. From time to time we still disagree or see life a little differently but we endeavour to keep the peace and try and be kind. I am so aware as I have gotten older that our family of origin has such a huge part to play in our relationships and especially marriage and talking about similarities and differences is important and gives us a greater empathy and understanding of each other. [Note from Alan. We can’t stress enough the importance of honest communication. We often say to young couples that honest (and regular) communication is a skill to be learned and the better you are at it the happier your marriage will be. And that means talk about EVERYTHING].
From day one we gave each other permission to have our own space, hobbies and friends and neither of us feel threatened in any way by this but are richer for it when we come together. I especially love this as I’m into adventure and travel more than Alan is. I have just recently returned from yet another seven week Camino walk in Spain and the poor boy had to bach it. After 3 weeks in Australia he looked after our dog and the household and even enjoyed himself! Ladies and Gentleman for a Dutch boy that is in the miracle category…….if you know what I mean.
I often feel that any relationship can be fragile, even a long marriage so I try not to take Alan’s love and devotion for me for granted. We believe strongly that “we are in it for life so we better make the most of it”.
I love what Paul Tournier writes in his book, ‘Learn To Grow Old’ about marriage in our later years:-
“Growing old together, husband and wife can come to know a love which in a way is a prefiguration of heaven for it is less tumultuous than the love of youth being less directed toward selfish pleasure seeking”.
At this stage of our marriage we are often surprised where and how God leads us and we are currently as semi-retired’s helping our oldest son who is Pastor at a local church in Hamilton. Our heart together has always been to serve the Lord and allow Him to use our gifts, so we are very grateful for another community to serve in.
We are enjoying our adult children and these wonderful grand parenting years. We want to try and cultivate rich relationships in our family and this certainly takes time, effort, wisdom and prayer from us as a couple. It’s a great privilege to be able to share with our family about The Lord and to do this as a couple is amazing. What power there is in praying and watching God work.
These days as we get older, on the one hand there’s a sense of holding on ferociously to what we have together and enjoying every moment and also a deep letting go and surrender to God knowing that He has our remaining time together in His hands.
So to wrap up, are our marriages a prefiguration of heaven?
I think I have some more growing and loving and a whole lot more of Jesus transforming my life to be like His so I can continue loving Alan and keep that love in the air ! So it’s back to the potter’s wheel for me again, as long as I know that My Heavenly Father is the potter I will be ok.
“When I have learned to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now “. CS Lewis
Blessings
Jeanette Vink