Check Your Defensiveness Barometer

Dear Pastors

Check Your Defensiveness Barometer

I would like to suggest that one of the most important qualities (skills) of a Christian leader is the ability to receive criticism (and to be genuinely open to the hard questions) without becoming defensive. Yet, for many of us, this is also one of the hardest lessons to learn resulting in us missing perhaps the best opportunities for personal growth and maturing as a leader.

We teach humility, grace, forgiveness and the importance of speaking the truth in love. But how do we respond when the truth comes from someone who disagrees with us, questions our decisions or points out something we would rather not hear?

Perhaps it is time to check our defensiveness barometer.

What happens when the needle rises?

Defensiveness is a natural human response. When we feel misunderstood, criticised or unfairly judged, our instinct is often to protect ourselves. We explain why we acted as we did, justify our decisions, question the other person's motives or point out their shortcomings.

Sure, sometimes a response is entirely appropriate. Criticism can be inaccurate, unfair or even malicious. Leaders should not accept every accusation as truth. However, there is a significant difference between thoughtfully evaluating criticism and reflexively defending ourselves against it.

The danger is that defensiveness becomes our default setting. We stop listening because we are busy preparing our response. We explain rather than enquire. We correct the tone of the person speaking rather than consider the substance of what they are saying.

When this happens, we may win the argument but lose the opportunity to learn.

Worse still, people eventually stop speaking up. When challenging a leader leads to an argument, a lecture or a strained relationship, silence can seem the safer option. The leader may interpret that silence as agreement, when in reality people have simply decided that honesty is not worth the cost.

That is a dangerous place for any leader to be.

Andy Stanley said it this way:- “Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say”.

The challenge of rough-edged feedback

Not all feedback arrives in a carefully worded email or a respectful conversation over coffee. Sometimes people express their concerns clumsily. They may be frustrated, emotional or angry. Their choice of words might be less than ideal.

Of course, abusive behaviour should not be excused, and healthy boundaries remain important. But we need to distinguish between the manner in which feedback is delivered and the message it contains.

There may be something valuable buried beneath the frustration. Perhaps the person has tried to raise the issue before and feels ignored. Perhaps they lack the communication skills to express themselves diplomatically. Or perhaps their criticism is justified, even if their delivery is not.

Here is four questions worth asking yourself:

1. Can I hear a difficult message without making the messenger the problem?
2. How good am I at absorbing someone’s frustration and even anger?
3. Is my tone and body posture agitated and combative?
   Am I raising my voice?

Jesus and the uncomfortable truth

Our Christian faith offers a powerful challenge to our defensiveness. Scripture repeatedly calls us to humility, teachability and self-examination.

James writes, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19). Proverbs 27:6 reminds us that faithful wounds can come from a friend.

These are not merely principles for those under our leadership. They are instructions for us as well.

How easily we apply biblical correction to other people while finding reasons why it does not quite apply to ourselves! We may preach about repentance but resist admitting we were wrong. We may encourage people to speak honestly but become uncomfortable when their honesty concerns our leadership.

Do people around us feel safe enough to tell us what they really think?

Christian leadership is not a position of immunity from criticism. It is a calling to model the humility we ask of others.

We do not demonstrate spiritual maturity by never making mistakes. We demonstrate it, in part, by how we respond when someone helps us see one.

Lowering the barometer

So how can we become less defensive?

First, pause before responding. When criticism stings, resist the urge to defend yourself immediately. Listen, ask questions and allow the other person to finish. You do not have to resolve everything in the moment.

Second, look for the truth in what is being said. You may disagree with much of the criticism, but is there something you could acknowledge, learn from or change? Being teachable does not mean agreeing with everything. It means remaining open to correction.

Third, invite feedback before it becomes a crisis. Ask trusted people, including those who may disagree with you, what you could be doing better. Most importantly, make it safe for them to answer honestly. Inviting feedback is meaningless if we become defensive when it arrives.

Finally, learn to say, "You may have a point. Let me think about that." You do not have to abandon your convictions or concede that you are wrong. You simply need the humility to recognise that your perspective may be incomplete.

When someone pushes back, do we become curious or combative? Do people around us feel safe enough to tell us what they really think?

For pastors and church leaders, the stakes are especially high. If people cannot challenge us without fear of rejection, we risk creating cultures in which protecting the leader becomes more important than pursuing the truth. Sadly this is exactly what has happened in many church environments in recent years.

We need the courage to lead, but also the humility to be questioned. We need conviction, but not an ego so fragile that every disagreement becomes a threat.

The next time someone offers uncomfortable pushback, particularly when it comes out a little rough around the edges, resist the temptation to reach for your defensive armour.

Take a breath. Listen carefully. Ask what you might be missing.

And finally, a leader's maturity is revealed not only by how confidently they speak, but by how humbly they listen.

Blessings
Alan