Listening to Understand

Dear Pastors

Listening to Understand

I want to start today with a simple question. “How good are you at listening”? Please give yourself a mark out of 10. Be honest…..be brutally honest. In particular how willing are you to listen when the issue(s) being discussed are ‘hot’?

These days I would give myself a 7 maybe an 8. But that has not always been the case. Back in earlier days I am sad to admit it was around a 5.

Most pastors and leaders are very good at speaking. We can think ‘on our feet’. Nothing wrong with that. The problem often arises when we also speak on our feet, if you know what I mean.

It is interesting that James seems to suggest that good listening and slow speaking will help keep the temperature down in our conversations (and therefore in our interpersonal relationships) because we will be less at risk to say dumb things. James 1:19-20 in the Amplified version says it like this:-

“Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving]; for the [resentful, deep-seated] anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God [that standard of behaviour which He requires from us]”.

I believe good listening is a skill we can learn. Here are three ‘skills’ I have found to be really helpful:-

1. Summarizing or paraphrasing the speaker’s points can demonstrate that you are truly listening. For example, saying, “So what I hear you saying is…” helps clarify the speaker’s message and allows them to correct any misunderstandings.
2. Asking thoughtful, open-ended questions is a hallmark of a good listener. It shows that you are not only paying attention but are also interested in exploring the conversation further. Instead of asking questions that can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no," pose questions that encourage deeper reflection and discussion. For instance, asking, “Can you tell me more about how that made you feel?” or “What do you think could be done differently?” invites the speaker to elaborate and provides more insight into their thoughts and emotions.
3. When a conversation ended up with some tension in it which sometimes is nigh on impossible to avoid I will often call the person the next day and check whether we are still OK? Did I say anything that either offended or hurt them.

Good listening leads to empathy and better understanding. It is a key to maintaining good relationships while wrestling with tough issues. And perhaps most importantly good listening is absolutely crucial to resolving conflict especially conflict that is deeply entrenched and seeming intractable.

Before I go:

• The passing of King Te Arikinui Tūheitia Paki has been a shock and incredibly sad not just Maori but for New Zealand. I found the TV footage from the tangihanga this week has been incredibly moving. It feels to me that things are in good heart and that after the current debate around the Treaty Principles Bill is done and dusted (thrown out) our bi-cultural relationships will get back on track.
• Erica Sandford announced on Wednesday that a Crown Response Office will be established within the Public Service Commission to drive the Government’s response to the Royal Commission of Inquiry. The creation of an Office within a central Government agency was recommendation 123 and 124 in the Royal Commission’s final report, Whanaketia – through pain and trauma, from darkness to light. The office will enable public service agencies to be held to account for responding to the Inquiry by establishing a clear plan and monitoring progress on their actions. It will also engage with survivors and stakeholders and coordinate, monitor and report on implementation of Cabinet decisions.

Blessings
Alan