The Four Legs of Marriage

Dear Pastors

The Four ‘Legs’ of Marriage

This is the third (and last) blog in this short series on marriage and family. Two weeks ago my wife, Jeanette reflected on our marriage of 45 years.

Today I would like to share a few thoughts on what I call the four legs (pillars) of a happy marriage. Take one leg out from under this chair and your marriage will probably survive but it will require a lot of hard work balancing the chair and keeping it upright. Take two legs out and a marriage is unlikely to survive long term UNLESS some repair work is urgently attended to. So here we go.

1. Love. I’m not sure that there is a better way of saying this then from one of the most famous passages of the Bible. “If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged”……….1 Corinthians 13. We’ve all preached on this many times. Otherwise known as Agape this is a love that is characterised by being an ‘other centred’ person. Agape love is a love of choice, not out of attraction or obligation. Agape love is what Jesus Christ displayed on the cross for us as he took our place for the sin. This love never fails.
2. Romance. After 45 years of living with the same women I am convinced that romance is one leg of the chair. It is romantic love that ensures that the ‘feels’ are present. Romance ensures that what attracted you to each other when you first met still attracts you. ‘Besties’ are for life but there is one bestie that surpasses them all. Romance (and its two cousins - sex and intimacy) are a beautiful thing. Acts of romance, like thoughtful gestures and affectionate words, reinforce love and emotional closeness. This creates a deeper bond and a sense of security within the relationship. In this regard, I have been committed , amongst other things, to be a Proverbs 5 kind of guy, especially verses 18 and 19.
3. Communication. As Jeanette mentioned talking about EVERYTHING is so important. I have had to learn this skill when it comes to my marriage. I’m a teacher by trade turned pastor. Teachers and pastors talk a lot, right, but deep and meaningful talking (D & M’s) with your wife or husband is a whole different thing. Even after 45 years of marriage there are glitches and hitches. Regular chats that address these ‘bugs’ head on will save a couple a lot of grief. Remember, it’s often the little foxes that spoil the vine. Song of Songs 2:15. We recommend often that if a couple have hit the communication wall and attempts at meaningful conversation result in more heat than light then please go and get some help. To my male colleagues I would strongly urge that you give serious attention to this ‘leg of the chair’.
4. Respect. This may be a surprise. But both Jeanette and me place a high value on this attribute in marriage. Respect in marriage says, “I love you exactly the way you are. I honour your individuality, I value your gifts and talents and I want you to have space to grow and develop as the unique individual you are”. We have noticed that in many Christian marriages the wife is often in the shadow of her husband. Personally, I think it is a hangover of a poor hermeneutic on the submission passage in Ephesians 5:21-23 but let’s leave that for another day. I believe with all my heart the couple that can truly respect the individuality of their spouse and celebrate that individuality and more than that encourage it AND invest in it will reap rich rewards. Let’s not forget biblical marriage is about the ‘one flesh’ relationship not becoming one person. There is a big difference!

So there you have it. What do you think? What do you regard as an important leg of the marriage chair? Just hit reply and send me a note. Thanks.

Before I go and on a completely different note. The situation in the Middle East. I doubt few of us will disagree about the tragedy upon tragedy that we are seeing unfold in the Middle East. If we ever needed peacemakers surely now is the time. Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God”. Notice that the Lord is not speaking about people with a peaceful disposition or those who love peace as important as that is. Jesus is referring to those who actively intervene to make peace.

Earlier this week I reached out to my friend Steve Tollestrup and asked if he could write a short prayer for the Middle East. You might like to pray this prayer (or similar) on Sunday at your church.

“To you, O God, who from the beginning created order from chaos, we seek your intervention in our world. May your strong arm and boundless love bring peace amid the strife and chaos we face in the Middle East. We pray for wise leaders to emerge —visionaries who embrace creative diplomacy, paving a path of justice and mercy for Israelis, Palestinians, and their neighbours. Help them and those they lead to lay aside bitterness and vengeance for the sake of future generations. We lift up to you our God the deep traumas that hinder reconciliation and pray for healing. For those suffering in Gaza, Israel, and Lebanon, may we all recognise our shared humanity, each made in your image. Grant us the ultimate miracle at this time of a just and lasting peace; Come, Lord Jesus. Amen”. Matt 7.12, Eph 6.15, Psalm 10.18, Rev 21.5.

Stephen Tollestrup was formerly Executive Director of TEAR Fund NZ and Director of the World Evangelical Alliance Peace and Reconciliation Initiative working on the ground in Palestine, Sri Lanka, Southern Sudan, Mindanao, and other regions of conflict.

Blessings
Alan